The Jerk

Crusty:  I'm hungover and whiny and bloated and all I have for lunch is this vile-looking, Carribbean-style microwave meal that's been in the freezer for like 11 months.

Fannie: That's what you get for drinking on a school night.

Crusty:  Yeah, but the silver lining is that now all my drunk-farts smell like jerk chicken.

Fannie.  Ew.

The Elevator

Fannie:  Maggie said that there's a booger in the elevator, but I didn't see it.

Crusty:  Yeah, she mentioned it to me, too.  I think she's referring to the one smeared next to the buttons.

Fannie:  Ew.

Dry Cleaned

Fannie:  I leaked jizz onto my skirt.  Dammit.  I just got it dry cleaned, too.

Crusty:  Just pick off the crust; it's still good for another wearing.

Fannie:  Ew.

Thank You for Printing

Crusty:  I just printed a 54 page document solely so I could fart at will without Polly hearing.

Fannie:  I can't even say that was a waste of paper.  Ew.

Blooberry Poo Part II

Fannie:  I just went to the 5th Floor bathroom and dropped that pint of blueberries I ate yesterday.

Crusty:  Ew.

Blooberry Poo Part I

Fannie:  Blueberries are on sale at Publix, 2/$5.

Crusty:  I know.  We bought some last night.

Fannie:  They make my poop greenish purple and tarry.

Crusty:  That is TMI, Fannie.

Fannie:  I know.  Sorry.  But it's true. I think I ate too many.

Crusty:  How many did you eat?

Fannie:  A pint.

Crusty:  In one sitting? 

Fannie:  Ngh. I'm really constipated.

Crusty:  Ew.

Play Balls!

Fannie:  So you know how Judge Sand likes to hit on younger attorneys and take them on trips?  He just asked me to go to New Zealand with him.  I've always wanted to go there.

Crusty:  Uh, yeah, isn't he 81?  And wouldn't you have to be his sex slave?  Or at least his testicle sex slave.  You'd have to suck his wrinkly, 81 year old balls.  I bet they're filled with dust, Fannie.  I bet they're all dusty and chalky and malleable and droopy.  Like a pitcher's rosin bag.

Fannie:  Okay, okay, fine!  I won't go!  *shudder*  Ew.

Tis the Season for Giving...Pubes

Crusty:  Geez, how is it possible that Heifer leaves so many pubes on the bathroom floor?

Fannie: We could put them to use.  Do you think Locks of Love accepts pubic hair?

Crusty:  Ew.

Urinal Cake

Fannie:  The bathroom on this side smells like piss.

Crusty:  Janitor needs to change out the urinal cake.

Fannie:  Maggie said she'd suck on the urinal cake for $5,000.

Crusty:  Ew.  It's been drenched in Barb piss for God knows how many months now.

Fannie:  I bet Maggie would do it for $1,000.

Crusty:  Ew!  I bet you're right.

Tea Party

Fannie:  Gross, Judge Sand just hit on me.

Crusty:  He always did like younger women.  But you're not THAT much younger than he.

Fannie:  He's 81 years old!!!

Crusty:  ...and?

Fannie:  I hate you.

Crusty:  But can you imagine his saggy ballsac swinging as he walks, teabagging his feet?  You could be the lucky woman who gets to suck his saggy teabags.

Fannie:  Ew.