Tea Party

Fannie:  Gross, Judge Sand just hit on me.

Crusty:  He always did like younger women.  But you're not THAT much younger than he.

Fannie:  He's 81 years old!!!

Crusty:  ...and?

Fannie:  I hate you.

Crusty:  But can you imagine his saggy ballsac swinging as he walks, teabagging his feet?  You could be the lucky woman who gets to suck his saggy teabags.

Fannie:  Ew.

Yard Stick

Crusty:   Arngh.  I just pooped a three footer.  That's an entire yard of poop, Fannie.  Or a meter for you Metric folk.

Fannie:  Ew. 

The Shower

Fannie:  I can't use the shower at work anymore.

Crusty:  Why not?

Fannie:   Heifer has started walking at lunchtime, so she's been using the shower.  It's just disgusting.

Crusty:   Pubey?

Fannie:   Come here.  [takes Crusty by hand and takes her to shower stall]

Crusty:  EW!!  Holy shit! 

Fannie:  I KNOW!  I think that's toe jam up against the wall, next to all the pubes.

Crusty:  There are footprints in the mildew.

Fannie:  Those aren't my footprints, and that mildew is pink.

Crusty:  Ew. 

Fannie:  I'd rather be sweaty and stinky and yuck all afternoon than shower in THAT, where Heifer washes her sweaty bush and walks around in bare, sock jammy feet.

Crusty:  Ew. I don't blame you.

Craigslist

Fannie:  *YAWN*  I am sooooooo sleepy.  I had insomnia last night and was trolling the Craigslist personal ads for kicks.

Crusty:  WERE YOU LOOKING FOR A DATE?!?!

Fannie:  NO!  Jesus!  I just like to read the ads sometimes because they're funny.  People are freaks!

Crusty:  Just tell me you wouldn't go out with anyone you met on Craigslist and end up in a freezer like that bird you found on the golf course.

Fannie:  I wouldn't/won't date anyone off of Craiglist.  But I just wanted to tell you about this one guy's ad.  His username is "SoloMcLovin48" and he wants to find a squirter.

Crusty:  Nice.

How to Beat the Bloat

Crusty:  All morning I felt bloated and fat and I couldn't figure out why.

Fannie:  ...

Crusty:  So I just took a field trip to the 5th floor bathroom and pooped a garden hose.

Fannie:  ...

Crusty:  And now I'm thin again.  As I turned to flush, a woman walked in, literally gasped for air, and walked right back out.

Fannie:  Eeeewwwwww.

Crusty:   There ya go.

Wild, Wild West

(yesterday)...

Crusty:   Ew, our bathroom is getting too gross to use.

Fannie:  Yeah, we need to get Janitor up in here to sweep up.

...(today)...

Fannie:  Janitor finally came through for us.  I wonder how big the tumbleweed of Heifer's pubes was.

Crusty:  Ew.

What a Waste

(text message conversation)

Crusty:  As I sit here blowing up the handicapped stall of the 5th floor bathroom, I can't help but think that the sign on the bloody tampon receptacle is appropriate.

Fannie:  I can't help but think that the fact that you're sitting in the handicapped stall is appropriate.  What does the sign say?

Crusty:  

Fannie:  EW!