Espresso

Crusty:  Dude, I'm struuuuugggglin'.  I can't stay awake this afternoon!

Fannie:  Here, eat these.  I have more chocolate covered espresso beans than I can handle.

Crusty:  Nooooooooo!  I'm going over to New Boy's house after work!  Let's forget for a second that espresso beans look like little turd pellets...I still don't want to have espresso piss when I get to his house!  Plus, they'll make my breath smell like a rat carcass dipped in week-old coffee grounds.


Fannie:  Ew.

Chicken Soup for the Soul

Crusty:  Maggie brought her dog to work today and she just took a giant, steamy shit in my office.

Fannie:  Wait, do you mean the dog took a shit, or Maggie took a shit?

Crusty:  Maggie's office-trained; I meant the DOG shit in my office, dumbass.  But what is Maggie feeding that thing?  The dogshit smells like the chicken noodle soup my grandma used to make.  I don't even mind the pile of shit in my office; it's actually kind of comforting.

Fannie:  Ew.

Hair Club for Pubes

Fannie:  Jesus, Heifer must be shedding her winter pube coat, cause the bathroom is super pubey today. 

Crusty:  I bet she has a receding pube line.  Perhaps she could look into a pube transplant.

Fannie:  Ew.

Wednesday 06 July: World-Record Poo

Fannie:  (No comment.)

Patriotic Poo

Fannie:  In honor of our great nation's Independence Day, I have produced something patriotic.

Crusty:  I'm not even touching that one.

Fannie:  Why of course I'll tell you about my patriotic product, Crusty, and thank you for asking.  I have produced a patriotic log out of my anus -- the base of the turd consists of the pint of blueberries I ate yesterday, it's reticulated with stripes of the watermelon I ate for breakfast and it's starred with partially digested corn from last night.  Eat your heart out, George Washington.

Crusty:  Ew.

Fiesta Time

(driving back to work from lunch)

Fannie:  Ugh, what is that rancid smell?

Crusty:  Uh, sorry.  I hotboxed your car.

Fannie:  *rolls down window*  Really, Crusty?  You couldn't wait until we got back to the office???

Crusty:  You take me to a Mexican restuarant for lunch.  You feed me spicy food and stuff pinto beans down my throat.  What did you THINK was gonna happen?; did you think I would fart lilacs and lavender?!  No, Fannie.  I'm gonna fart pork and beans and salsa.  You brought this on yourself.

Fannie:  Ew. *retch*